Back in the Garden of Eden, Adam and
Eve were being lazy underneath a tree,
staring at the sun, when a man walked up and said,
“Hey … are you two as bored as I Am? Ennui’s
the pits, isn’t it?” Adam and Eve just stared.
The man laughed. He laughed for 10 solid minutes.
The first couple seemed unamused. The man sighed,
pulled out a scythe and said, “To farm: Reap what you…”
I’ll Call You…
Adam reached for the scythe in wonder. The man
handed him the farm equipment and gestured
for Adam to move. “Scoot down, would ya?” he asked,
then he sat and smiled at Eve. “Hi. I think…”
Two Weeks Later…
Adam and Eve were tending The Garden of
Eden one day. She was picking apples. He
was raking leaves with the scythe. The man sat
perched on a hickory stump watching them work
and shouting occasional advice which was
mostly ignored or misunderstood. A bird
flew over. The man whistled at it. Adam
and Eve screamed like terrified deer, then took off
into the relative safety of the woods.
“What the hell’s their problem?” the man asked aloud,
to no one in particular. “Are they scared?”
We’re back in-a-gadda-da-vida. (That would
be The Garden of Eden, if you’re sober.)
The man was standing, tapping his foot to an
imaginary beat only he could hear.
The couple, i.e., Adam and Eve, looked at
a goose. Adam pointed and said, “This … rabbit.”
The man closed his eyes in exasperation,
took a deep breath and sighed. “That’s a goose, stupid.”
Adam raised an eyebrow and muttered, “Goose?” The
man nodded, as if nothing were easier.
Eve brushed aside her hair and said “Goose,” as well.
The man paused for a moment, then clicked his tongue.
“Yes,” he told them. “Goose. You must stop naming things.
incorrectly. Just five minutes ago you
called a cow a cigarette. That is not right.
A cow is a cow. A cigarette’ll kill you.
Well … for that matter, so will a cow. Listen…”
Eve stopped him short. “Prometheus … please shut up.”
Two months later The Garden’s in flames. “Now!” the
man screamed over the blaze. “What’s my name again?”
“Not Prometheus,” Adam and Eve droned back.
“Damned right!” he yelled back, fanning the heat with his
scythe. “And why, pray tell, is that?” His voice was raised,
but only to be heard over the massive
wall of fire consuming all in its path.
Adam and Eve shrugged, then Eve pointed at a
rabbit and asked, “This … rabbit?” Adam nodded.
“Rabbit,” he said. The man glowered at them with
thinly veiled hostility. “Well that’s just great,” he
said. Moments later the clouds parted. The sun
peeked through. Adam and Eve looked up, awestruck,
and pointed at the burning ball of gas. “God…”
That’s Not His Name!
An hour later the man was back on the
hickory stump with his chin resting on his
left palm. His elbow rested on his right knee.
His eyes were closed in anger. A blood vessel
on the side of his head seemed about to burst.
Adam and Eve stood in front of him, heads bowed.
“Look … I’m sorry,” the man said, and you could tell
he was trying to keep his composure, but…
“Did you just call the sun, ‘God’?” Adam and Eve
nodded without looking up. The man sighed. “What
have I told you about naming things?” he asked.
“The sun is not God. The sun is a coward!
It runs away every night because it’s
scared of the moon … and Orion. Well, mostly
Orion, but that’s not the point. The point is,
you two are mucking up the works. What’d you call
Danny, the giant dinosaur on the far
side of the forest?” “Rah,” they replied. “Um … why?”
he asked, trying not to raise his voice. “Because…”
Adam said. “Big thing … go RAAH!” Eve nodded. “RAAH!”