You’re Gonna Hate Me


Hello. You don’t know me from Adam
but if we were to meet, you’d loathe me in minutes.
That is my experience with life.
Anger and vitriol. Disdain and wrath. Hate.
It doesn’t matter if you’re white, black,
Asian, Italian or some kind of Spanish…
you will not like me if you meet me
and then you’ll go tell all your friends about it
so they will hate me too … just like you.
Really, that’s all human beings do: talk shit
and start fights and laugh at weird people
or fat people or bald people. Anyone
who’s different from you is fair game, right?
You fucking dicks. You fucking assholes. Fucking,
fucking, fucking, acting like you don’t
know lust is the main thing that destroys this world.

Lust leads to children and so many
of you are simply not fit to be parents.
All you do is raise terrifying
mini versions of you. And you are awful.

Remember Sodom and Gomorrah?
Forget about homosexuality.
That wasn’t the problem with those towns.
That’s just what assholes want you to think because
men with men and women with women
confuses and scares them so they say it’s wrong
and evil and wicked. It’s “sodomy.”
The fact they fuck their wives in the ass
nightly isn’t an issue. Why? They’re married
of course, so that gives them a free pass
to be as disgusting and depraved
as humans can be which leads me back to
the twin cities and their destruction.
According to legend, God sent two Angels
to those towns to see what would happen.
Let me tell you the real story. I’ll be brief.

God said to Abraham, “I need you
to find fifty righteous people in those towns.
If you can, I will not destroy them.”
Abe laughed and said, “You’d better make it ten, God.”

When the Angels showed up in Sodom
the people saw them and chased them through the streets
Saying, “Wow! I have got to fuck that!”
Luckily the Angels found Lot and his wife
and were able to hide in their house.
Now … please picture Matt Damon and Ben Affleck
dressed up like the Angels from Dogma
only imagine they’re not acting. It’s real.
“They’re Angels, and they’re here to help us,”
Lot said to the mob, gathered around his door.
“We don’t need any help!” someone yelled.
“But those two in there have really pretty mouths
and I bet their asses are supple.”
So Lot fled the damned city with his family
and old Loki did what he does best:
destroying towns by lighting a few fires.

Now here we are in 2015
and nothing has changed. In fact, it’s much, much worse.
Dear God, please make sulfur rain down. … What?
You already planned to? Oh. Carry on, then.


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