A long, long time ago … maybe the sixties …
I can still remember how some lines went. “Back
in the U.S.S.R. … Ukraine girls really
knock me out.” Me too. Now that’s a catchy riff,
eh? Eh, comrades? Neu. Paw. Ruskie. Nim. No. Ga.
Huh? Exactly. Some strange shenanigans are
afoot at the Circle K, right Bill and Ted?
We’ve talked about Billy the Kid and the Khan.
Joan of Arc was not Noah’s wife. She was French.
Her autograph looks like it says Johanna.
She had visions in French fields. She was a girl.
What about Napoleon? He got lost on
the water slides at Waterloo after his
fat ass ate too much ice cream. Ziggy Piggy.
Oink. Oink. Oink. Sounds like a little boy to me.
What was his reaction to Bill and Ted? “Look!
Zey are waving. Blow zem up. Aw-haw-haw. Look
at my hand thrust into my bosom. It … stinks.
I haven’t washed my paws in thirty-eight days.
Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea.
I should have been a musician instead of
a General. You know what I hate? Being
by myself. Ze worst thing I can imagine
is isolation … like, say … banishment to
an island in the Mediterranean.
Whatever. We’re French. I am Napoleon,
damn it. Charge! Wait … is that a torpedo? Uh
oh. I know this is called Waterloo, but since
when did we enter a naval battle? Is
that the Spanish Armada or some fleet of
alien ships with flashing lights under their…”