And he’ll be right.


Have I ever switched teams? Yes. First I was
a fan of the Cincinnati Bengals, but
when Joe Montana tore out my heart and stomped
on it, I donned a red and gold jacket like
the one Bob Saget wore in the show Full House.
That’s not a metaphor for anything, dudes.
I’m literally talking about football.
If you’re reading anything else into it,
maybe you should stare into a mirror and
take a long, hard look at yourself and ask, “Do
I like chicks?” If the answer’s yes, great. We have
that in common. If it’s anything else, well …
that’s where we don’t quite see eye to eye. My sword’s
blade is sterling silver. There is no brown rust
to be seen. I keep it clean, like a fire
truck. That said, if you’re like Harvey Milk, drink up.
Just don’t tell me what it tastes like. Back to the
wide world of sports. Joe Montana? Best ever.
Forget about Tom Brady. That cheater can
suck a dick. I’m not saying he has, but he
can if he wants to. He played for Michigan
after all. Do you know why it’s so windy
in Ohio? Because Ann Arbor sucks and
Lexington blows. That’s why it snows so much in
Cleveland … which also sucks. Ask Bob Uker.
He’ll fumble around with some papers and say,
“Christ, I can’t find it. To hell with it.” Monty,
his assistant, will cover the microphone
with his hand and whisper, “Whoa! You can’t say that.”
Bob’ll just roll his eyes and mumble, “Doesn’t
matter … nobody’s listening anyways.”


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