I don’t like to get too personal with folks
I don’t know too well and can’t comprehend why

others broadcast their lives in gas stations and
in line at Taco Bell or McDonalds. Just

the other day I heard way too much info
about the sex life of one of our goddamned

customers. Let’s just say she walks the Primrose
Path and leave it at that. “T.M.I., people.”

One of the girls who works at a gas station
said that to her coworker the other night

when her fellow employee launched into a
ten minute discussion of how long is too

long to wait to have anal sex. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I mean, when is that ever appropriate

to speak about in public? Is privacy
dead, or is it just dying? Can we revive

it? Can we bring manners back to life? Is that
too much to ask? I once heard a girl say all

men cheat. Bullshit. The last time I did that was
junior year of high school and isn’t that what

high school is all about? Academics and
infidelity? Just ask Kevin Smith, he’ll

tell you. But as an adult? I’ve been tempted.
I broke up with a girl once so I could bang

a 22 year old former cheerleader
who stood 4-foot-eleven with E cups. True

story. I don’t regret it. It was awesome.
Five times. That’s all I’m saying, and I’m sorry

to those whose feelings might be hurt by this. My
bad. Mea culpa. I apologize. I’m

sorry I hurt you. It wasn’t the right time
or place, but I certainly enjoyed the time

we spent together. You’re a better person
than me. We both know it. Once more: I’m sorry.

Wow … look at me carrying on like a slut.
Speaking of which, why is Marilyn Monroe

on tshirts with the Ace of Spades? Because I
know what that means, and if that’s true, all right. Who

gives a shit? But if she wasn’t? I mean … that’s
a pretty bold statement, isn’t it? A lie,

even? Liar, liar, pants on fire and
whatnot? Is that what our society has

turned into? Liars, thieves, rapists. People who
emulate Tony Montana, as if that’s

something to brag about? Are you kidding me?
I can’t stand when good folks say “That’s just the way

it is.” No. It’s that way because we allow
it to be. We choose to allow people to

act like psychopaths and lunatics when we
ignore a problem and hope it goes away.

I’m just saying, this is our world. We could make
it better if we really wanted to try.

If we thought it was worth it. If we knew our
precious time here wouldn’t be wasted on a

game that we’ve lost from the beginning. This place…
this planet? It’s a prison for criminals.

It’s the fucking Australia of space, people.
We’re Down Under. Call it Hell, if you please. Hell,

call it that if you don’t please. This place is Hell.
We can make it Heaven. It’s called Rock Bottom.

Once you hit it, the only way to go is…


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