Last night I woke up in a weird place. The walls
were blue. The ceiling and curtains were too. It
was a weird place filled with weird creatures who called
themselves Lalaheisleks, or La Las for short.
They said I was on Lalaheislek, the third
moon orbiting a planet near Orion.
Their skin was blue. Their eyes were blue. Their tongues were
nonexistent. They spoke through telepathy,
I think, because they would stare at me like loons
and I’d hear a faint voice speaking thoughts that were
not my own. At first it was terrifying,
but once I got the hang of it I found it to
be much easier than speaking. Anyway,
I wandered around their planet for a day
and a half of dream time and met the saddest
being I’ve encountered in the thirty-six
years spent on my own planet: Earth. “Ich bin ein
Earthling,” I kept telling the La Las. They just
laughed at me and shook their heads. I didn’t know
why until right before I left their world and
woke up in my queen size bed that rests on the
floor because headboards make too much goddamned noise.
Where was I? Ah yes, I met a sad La La
in the dream. Said his name was Roylatih or
something. I can’t remember. Whatever. He
told me about the time he visited a
a planet called Juggfaygo, where the creatures
dress like lunatic clowns, complete with honking
red noses. The kicker? All Juggfaygo’s have
orange skin. Roylatih sighed, but said nothing.
In my head I heard, “So here are all these damned
Juggfaygos walking around … and they are dicks.
You should hear the awful things they say about
my blue skin behind their pasty-white clown paint.
There should be a word for that nonsense – hating
a being simply because of how it looks.
I wanted to leave in the worst way, but time
on that planet is screwy. One day to them
felt like ten years to me. I hated it there.
It was the most wretched environment you
could possibly imagine … fucking clown shoes
everywhere. Enormous air horns being honked
at all hours of the day and night. Tiny
cars filled with hundreds of Juggfaygos, all of
them laughing like Krusty from The Simpsons. I am
telling you, it was bad. Real bad. But then, on
my worst day, I met another La La and
for one brief moment the clouds parted. I was
reminded of Home. We were the only two
blue people for miles … if not the whole damned
planet. We began walking together and
I had so many questions I wanted to
ask, but didn’t know where to begin. Before
I could say anything meaningful, seven
Juggfaygos surrounded us and contacted
the authorities, who informed us we were
prohibited from associating due
to our extreme age difference. I’m almost
70,000 years old. The other La
La was only 18,000. That’s much too
far apart to Juggfaygos, but what do you
expect from creatures who only live for tens
of thousands of years? They have a five thousand
year age gap limit and it’s strongly enforced.
The worst part is when I got home the other
La La wouldn’t speak to me. Still won’t, in fact.
I don’t know what I did wrong. I just followed
the stupid rules. Isn’t that what you’re supposed
to do?” I shrugged. Roylatih shook his head and
spat, “Where are you from again?” “Earth,” I told him.
He was silent for a long moment, then said…
“Oh yeah? What’d you do end up in prison?