His only friend got married?


Two quick things on Seinfeld (which may turn into
ten long and winding stories about why that

television show was so fantastic. “It’s
about nothing.” … Yep. I loved it for that.) So…

THING ONE: Elaine Benes loves Jerry Seinfeld.
Before the show begins they are a couple

but once it starts, they’re not. … Duh, right? Well, what if
the rest of the show was about them coming

to the realization that they were perfect
for each other in spite of the many flaws

each possessed? They hated each other sometimes,
sure, but no one had the sheer staying power

of Jerry or Elaine. Think of all the failed
relationships we watched them roll through. “He’s a

close talker.” “She’s a low talker.” “Is he sponge-
worthy?” “Are they real and spectacular or

not?” (They were. They are. Teri Hatcher is hot.)
There are a million little reasons why none

of the suitors stuck around. Think of “Man Hands.”
Jerry broke up with a girl because she had

hands that were huge. I’ve heard pals complain about
much larger issues before they proposed to

the very person they bitched about a few
months later. I guess they didn’t want to

be lonely, or something. Not Jerry, though – or
Elaine. They always found the flaws early on

and moved on as fast as possible … except
for once, when Elaine was telling Jerry she

was in love and how her beau could be “The One.”
Jerry just smiled and asked if he was pro-

choice or pro-life. Elaine gulped and shrugged before
Kramer barged in and grabbed a Snapple. And now…

THING TWO: Jerry’s in debt to Kramer, somehow.
I don’t know what happened before The Pilot,

but there has to be some reason why Jerry
lets Kramer come and go as he pleases. He

doesn’t even bat an eye when his neighbor
brings his friend Mickey over to take some food

or when he stopped by with his barber buddy
and they got wrapped up in Edward Scissorhands.

Really quick bit of trivia: what movie
always made George Costanza cry? Home Alone.

That’s the answer. Why? Because “the old man got
to him.” In other words, that’s what George was most

frightened of – being a lonely geezer with
no one to talk to and no one to fight on

Festivus – that’s on December 23rd.
Anyway, back to Cosmo Kramer and how

he uses Jerry as his own personal
butler, which brings me around to one of the

greatest group of episodes I can recall:
remember when Jerry and George pitch their show

to the network executives and come up
with the story of Jerry hitting a man

with his car and the judge sentencing him
to be the man’s butler? You don’t think they were

explaining the odd situation between
Jerry and Kramer, do you? That would be great.

So what’s the point? Jerry owes Kramer and loves
Elaine. He breaks up with all of his girlfriends

because he knows she’s the only one he wants.
Elaine does the same thing. George, on the other

hand, is a wannabe architect with no
real skills to speak of who lives with his parents

and kind of works for the New York Yankees. His
only friend is Jerry. Kramer and Elaine

are friends by association. Knowing this,
what would become of old George Costanza if…


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