Ogress! Hey, you … bitter-beer face! I’m talking
right now, so be quiet for a moment, eh?
Which type of mattress should we buy? Pillow top
or spring? Also, what do you think the person
who came up with the bold idea for the
mattress said to the first person he told?
“So listen, Jim … I have this plan for a soft
thing to lay on when you sleep. I just need a
burlap sack, some thread and the feathers of no
less than three hundred and thirty-eight ducks or
swans or geese or what have you. Birds, Jim. That’s the
key. We need their feathers.” I bet Jim nodded
and stated, “Without feathers it’s just a sack.”
“Gotta have feathers,” the guy probably said.
Imagine dropping by their house to say hi
on the day they decided to go forward
with their plan and seeing them covered head-to-
toe in guts and goose down – both of them sneezing.
“What in God’s name is happening!?” you’d likely
shout. They’d look at you, strangely, like they didn’t
know what you were yelling about. You’d point and
shake your head, mouth agape like, “Seriously??”
“What?” Jim would ask, eventually, breaking
the tension, but only slightly. “What the hell…?”
you’d start and there’d be no reason to finish.
The man with the plan would speak up and say, “All
right … I know this looks bad, but I promise you
we have great intentions. We’re trying to give
people a better night’s rest by providing
them something soft to sleep on. I’m calling it
a ‘mattress.’ I think it’s going to be a hit.”
“You’re probably right, Mr. Serta,” you’d say,
looking around at the carnage, wondering
how many ducks had to die to fill the big
bucket full of beaks in the corner and trying
not to dry-heave. “I guess that explains the great
ball of twine over there … and the furled stack of
burlap sacks … but have neither of you heard of…”