I’d like to visit Israel. Mecca, too,
but I feel like if I did so, some nutcase
would snap off my cock, cram it in my right ear,
light me on fire and that’d just be the starting
point. It gets much worse, but I’ll save all of you
the excruciating details of what goes
down when the dick is removed from my ear and
the real fun commences for my kidnappers.
I don’t want to carry a weapon, but at
69 inches tall I’m on the smaller
side of the size spectrum and don’t weigh much more
than one hundred and thirty eight pounds or so.
I don’t study Tae Kwon Do or Karate. I
don’t watch U.F.C. or boxing. I don’t fight.
I don’t care enough about anything to
put up my dukes and throw down fisticuffs, but…
other people sure as hell do, which is why
I carry a snub-nosed .38 with me
at all times and keep a nine millimeter
in my Jeep just in case. OK, that’s a lie.
I don’t own a Jeep. I was just quoting Ice
Cube. Remember The Predator? Oh my God.
What an amazing album. Came out in the
nineties. 1992, to be exact.
Just a few weeks after April 26th.
Now … why is that important? Ever listen
To Sublime? How did Bradley get his guitar?
It only took one brick to drop Reginald
Denney, a truck driver who got caught in the
middle of the Rodney King madness. Ice Cube
mentions him in a song on The Predator,
but mostly he raps about what life was like
after everything settled down. Spoiler
Alert: Ice Cube really hated white people.
Let me say that one more time: Ice Cube hates white
people. I bet your response is, “So?” Whoa! Hey!
We’ve been told for decades it’s not ok to
judge someone based on the color of their skin,
but here’s Ice Cube proudly saying, “White man, is
something I tried to study, but I got my
hands bloody.” That’s from “When Will They Shoot?” the first
track on the CD and the song I mentioned
earlier when I said I owned a Jeep. You
know what else is in that song? The word cracker.
A lot. I think Ice Cube says it about ten times.
Do I care? No. I rap right along with him,
“But I got the fever for the flavor of
a cracker. Not a Pringle, bust the single.
Here’s my new jingle…” Ok. Stop. First of all,
that may be the most clever line I’ve ever
read in my entire life. There are at least
three jokes in it. Do I get them? Yes I do.
It’s not saying anything especially
important. “I dig women. I eat Pringles.
I watch T.V. and remember commercials.”
Still, it’s clever. It makes me laugh. That’s the point,
right? The point is not that Ice Cube is racist.
We’re all a little racist. Stop lying to
yourselves and to other people and saying
you don’t see color. I don’t hear truth, liar.
Does color matter? Not really, no. It’s just
the meat suit we’re wearing. It’s not who we are.
We are who we are by our deeds and actions.
Should we crucify Ice Cube for lyrics he
wrote in his twenties? He’s a family man
now. He makes kids movies, for God’s sake. This is
clearly not the same person we remember.
Why? Did Cube grow up? Gotta do it sometime.