“Is this thing oak, or…?”

rapahel-ravenscroft-1984-billboard-650-b

What if Mark David Chapman was aiming for
Yoko and was just a really bad shot? Hmm.

Sorry, Yoko. Miss Ono. Mrs. Lennon.
I’d like you to know I liked your husband. His

music and words and ideas were so sound,
at least in theory. In reality they

got him killed by a lunatic. Someone who
thought the world was all about them

and how dare John not be a Beatle? And did
you see that song he sang with Chuck Berry? Oh

my Lord! She ruins the whole thing, like the damned
oboe in Tomcat. Who played over Muddy?

Was it Raphael Ravenscroft? No, he played
the fucking saxophone in ’78.

American Pie is wrong. He’s the reason
the music died and saxophone bullshit went

into just about everything we heard
on certain radio stations for a while.

It’s in porn, too. The saxophone is wretched
and vile … an instrument of destruction.

Why else would Bill Clinton own one? Oh, that was
way left, Scott Norwood. Or was it too far right?

Who knows? I wonder if he grabbed Monica’s
dress afterwards, threw it at her and said, “Here,

tramp, clean yourself up a little. You look like…”
Go ahead and create your own punchline there.

You want to hear something offensive? I bet
Jesus picked up the cross, grinned and said… “Hey guys? …

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