A half-dead Prof. I had at Toledo named
Larry Wilcox once said the reason Germany couldn’t take out
England in World War II was ‘cause they stupid-
Lee switched tactics. They began the war with
strikes on factories, military bases
airports and runways lined with Triumphs, Sopwith
Camels and … wait, no. That was Snoopy. Peanuts.
Charlie Brown and Lucy holding the football.
My bad … I get confused sometimes. Ha ha ha.
The point is, the Nazis started by bombing
so-called strategic targets. Military
Bases. “All your base are belong to us,” right?
That’s how wars are won. Cut off the enemy
like the Yankees did at Vicksburg. Surround them.
No way in. No way out. 100 percent
isolation. Stop for a minute and think
of that movie Cold Mountain, with Jude Law and
the kid who played Jax Teller in Sons of An-
archy. He’s the bad guy in that one … a ghost.
In the beginning, Jude’s character Inman
is dealing with that exact same thing. He’s in
North Carolina, somewhere round Sorrel Cove…
Wait. Wait. Sorrel spelled with one L means horse.
It’s just a coincidence, right? Of course. Duh.
Anyway, within the first five minutes of
that movie, Inman gets blown up. He dies, guys
and dolls. That’s what happens to him. That’s why the
rest of the movie is about him getting
Home. Back to Nicole Kidman’s character. Her
name was Ada Monroe. She was friends with Jack
White, Ethan Suplee, and Renée Zellweger.
What was Natalie Portman’s name in that? Was
it Sara? Yep. Poor woman had lost her mind.
How great is Natalie Portman, right? My God.
Anyway, back to the second-world war and
why terrorism never, ever succeeds.
Hitler’s generals convinced him … or maybe
he decided on his own – I don’t know. I
wasn’t there. That was in the 1940s.
This is 2015. I am not Hitler
thank Christ. I’m just a storyteller. A word
smith spinning yarns about old world wars and shit.
Anyway, Adolf reached the conclusion it
would be a good idea to change tactics and
begin bombing towns, cities, etcetera.
That’s terrorism, folks. Civilian targets.
Now … why does that not work? Simple. Civilians
are non-participants. When their nation is
involved in a war, their brains understand loss
of life and property damage are to be
expected. It’s like, “Bloody hell! The damnable
Huns bombed Slaughterhouse Five down Picadilly
last night. There are bits of bovine everywhere!”
His friends nod, solemnly, and reply: “War is…
Hell.” Ain’t that the truth? On the other hand, though,
when civilians are attacked, when they lose their home
and business, when friends and family vanish,
when they find unexploded ordinance in front
yards, like in that movie Bedknobs and Broomsticks,
their metaphorical “cups” fill with resolve
and suddenly “Their War” turns into “Our War.”
It goes from business to personal. It’s like,
“Wait a tic … where’s Fido? Has anyone seen …
oh … my … God. The Germans bombed my dog. It’s on.”
Now think back to that day in September, back
in 2001 on the 11th morn’.
when a bunch of extreme assholes flew some planes
into a few of our buildings and fields. That
act still reverberates through city streets, yeah?
September 11th. Not nine-eleven.
How did it feel to know you could be attacked
when you go to work in the morning? Scary
at first, right? Then it pissed you off, right? That’s why
terrorism … really, “extremism” in
any way, shape or form does not work. Hippies
were extremists. Christians can be too. Muslims?
Sorry boys. Society loves a scape goat
and you act like Kanye West at the Grammys.
Do you really think this is Your World? Uh … no.
It’s our world. All of ours. Yours too, if you want.
But … you have to relax. You have to Be Cool,
Like John Travolta in that sequel to … uh,
crap … I can’t remember the name of it. Hey
Mary, what’s that movie? Get Shorty? Oh yeah.
Think of the “Extreme Assholes” in Harold and
Kumar go to White Castle. It doesn’t mat-
ter what color they are, right? It doesn’t mat-
ter that Harold is Asian and Kumar is
Indian (dots … not feathers). They are being
terrorized, yeah? Terrorized by extremists.
Just some food for thought. As it digests I’d like
to point out Ethan Embry is also in
Harold and Kumar. He likes hamburgers too.
He was also in Vegas Vacation. Man…
isn’t that the worst of the first four movies?
It’s all right, though. He was in Can’t Hardly Wait.
That movie is underappreciated.
I love it. Remember Ethan’s character
Preston, who (according to Jason Segal’s
stoner friend) is “Sort of tall … with hair … and he
wears t-shirts … sometimes. He’s just Preston, you know?”
Be like Popeye, I guess. “I am what I Am.”