This is Not About Michaelangelo.


Who made that painting of the old dead dude in
a tub full of blood? If you say John Lithgow

then I know you’ve watched Dexter through season four.
This isn’t about that that show, though as great as

it is. This part’s about Michelangelo
Merisi da Caravaggio … nine … ten

Yes! Eleven syllables! He carried a
sword at his side like the main character in

Assassin’s Creed … which one? You tell me. Pick one,
they’re all fantastic games. Back to the painting…

it shows journalist Jean-Paul Marat lying
dead in his bath on the 13th of July,

1793, after his murder
by Charlotte Corday, not to be confused with

Cordray … like Danny – Timmy Olyphant on The Office. Tim.
I forgot the other day. Apologies.

Also, my bad about the Timmy thing. My
mom still calls me Little Buddy. Why? She’s an

American Psycho, but I still love her.
The use of color in the aforementioned

work of art, painted by Jacques-Louis David.
is called “La Mort de Marat.” That’s “The Death of…”

to folks like you and me. English speakers. Mouth
breathers … participants in the Idiot

Wind as it blows answers to those who can hear.
Don’t worry, Bob Dylan. This is not a threat.

Forget Beavis and Butthead. I am not a
threat to you or anyone. Live and let die,

right? Naturally, like Wonderboys. Things Have
Changed, right? I used to care. Now I speak freely.

I.P. Freeley … didn’t he draw Bugs Bunny?
Abba-dee, abba-dee, abba-dee … What’s up

Doc? Doc? As in H.S.T.? Duck, duck … Gooooooose! Oh
no! Oh no! Someone call in search and rescue!

Maverick is in the blue water with the
green dye. Wait … no. Is that his parachute or…

Sharks! Ever read In Harm’s Way? It’s about the
U.S.S. Indy. Annapolis – that’s where

the Navy and Marine Corps breed the elite
officers who, until they meet a Chief or

Gunny have no earthly idea what to do.
Holding a cup of coffee is not working,

sir. All due respect. Pick up a wrench. Hand me
a flashlight so I can find my way back to

that painting by that French guy, J.L. Da-veed.
It stayed in his attic for 30 years. Why?

It was “both beautiful and repulsive” at
once to nearly all who laid eyes on the thing.

Canvas and oil … with devil horns attached.
The French refused to allow his burial

in their territory … damnable Frenchies.
Let me tell you a brief story about them:

Versailles. September. 1783.
a taffeta spheroid wobbled above a

field full of great fools … what’s that they say about
never getting involved in a land war? Hey

Napoleon … Ziggy piggy! Ziggy pig!
Gee, even when Bill S. Preston, Esquire

told you it wouldn’t work, you still had to try
didn’t you? You jackass, you are the reason

Edmond Dantes got locked in the Chateau Dif.
That was written by Alexander Dumas.

Dumbass? No, dude. It’s pronounced Doom-ahh. It is
about a prison break. You’d like it, guy who

played Colonel Stuart in Die Hard 2. Hey Bruce…
Come down to Pensacola. We’ll get a few

drinks. Have a few laughs about TV dinners.
Here’s a joke about the French: a sheep, a duck

and a rooster sat in a wicker basket

attached to a big blue balloon. The punchline?
They forgot to tie restraining ropes to it.

All the winged animals flew away, but the
sheep? Not even a carpenter could save them.

Shameless nobles. Blameless livestock. Images
created to go with words and ways of life

or death. Tragically beautiful. Marat
was a lunatic. Think of Darth Maul holding

a red pen instead of a twin lightsaber.
He was a pot-stirrer. A boat rocker, like

Terrance Mann, in Field of Dreams. James Earl Jones was
just playing J.D. Salinger, the man who

wrote Catcher in the Rye, one of the flagged books
at your local library. Rally round the

family with pockets full of shells, but get
them from the beach. Life’s too short to be so

damned serious all the time. I want nothing
but to be free and have peace of mind that no

man or woman will take Liberty from me.
Put down Marx and Rushdie and check out The Bill

of Rights. “South Carolina … represent!” That’s
a line from Idiocracy, by Mike Judge.

Haven’t seen that one? you’re missing out. I think
I need to watch it again. It’s prophecy.


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