Billowing cotton candy clouds floating in
a sea of baby blue. Meghan? It’s your cue:
“Tom … it’s only water.” Uh … thank you Patsy,
AKA Terry Gilliam, the squire.
Now shhh. It’s time to get on with the story.
My big sis Megh? she said her worst birthday was
her ninth. It was Scooby Doo-themed and she got
strep throat. Bad times indeed. Me, at eleven?
I was late for my own party at the bow-
ling alley. There was this kid there, David
P. He brought two things, a bucket to kick and
a well-used truck he gave me as a present.
It was his truck, obviously, but he gave
it to me because he was a good dude. Thanks
Dave. What are you up to these days? Hope all is
good with you and yours up in Frank-tucky.
Me? Guess I got lucky moving out of that
snowy Midwestern prison. My friend Aric
the Red and his family still stay up there.
I’ve heard they’re happy and that sure pleases me.
I think he and his BFF Karl-Lee are trying to
put together a hockey team. Ottawa
is home of Giants, Titans and Senators.
Canada, eh? Let’s throw another shrimp on
the Barbie and quaff a few Fosters. Yeah … right.
Go down under and say that … you’ll get your ass
kicked by Crocodile Dundee and Al, pal.
He’s a cop. He loves Twinkies and John McClane.
Bruce Willis? Yippy-ki-yay, motherfucker.
If they remake Scooby Doo he should play Fred.
Who would be Daphne? Julianne Moore? She’s great.
Velma was a hip, hip lady. Emma Stone?
That just leaves Shaggy, and we know … Seth Rogen,
right? I’m sorry Mathew Lillard, but Seth is
Shaggy. He looks like him, even though he sounds
like Rowlf from the Muppets … seriously, right?
And the dog? I don’t know. Ben Affleck, maybe?
He’s Batman, right? And Daredevil? And Bartel-
bee? He could have played the shark in Jaws, right Kev-
in Smith? What’s that verse in the Bible about
a certain last name? Isn’t it Isaiah,
54:16? Isaiah … that’s the name
of a wise old Hermit who lives near Horner’s
Corners, Kansas. It’s the town where Mary Ann’s
fiance was from on Gilligan’s Island.
The actor I wanted to play him? Mandy
Patinkin, AKA Inigo Montoy-
-ya … Busta Rhymes wrote a song once that had the
Knight Rider theme to it. My God it was great.
That’s a smart man right there. Method Man is too.
Later on in the story with Isaiah,
this dorky dude Lesley runs into some Knights
who say “Nuh.” Why? Because sometimes even I
have to censor myself. There are words I won’t
say, ever … even in jest. I’m not better
than those who do. True. I am who I am. And?
What in God’s name does that have to do with you?
Why do you care about things I say or do?
What about The Princess Bride and piracy?
Does that interest you? Remember this line?
“Good night, Westley. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill
you in the morning.” Who? Me? What did I
do, pal? “How now, brown cow.” Not I, said the cat.
Seriously … just give this udder a tug.
You’ll get all the milk you want and more … for free.
It’s relieving, man. It can even be fun.
Track two on Enter the 36 Chambers
is called C.R.E.A.M. … Get the money.
Only problem is, I don’t like cream … so … no.
Cash rules everything around me? Come on, man.
Be careful tugging at the magic teat, bud.
If you kill the cow controlling the udders…
well … that leads to unhappy bovine mothers
who tell wrathful warmongers to unleash Hell
on my command. That’s what Maximus said, right?
Ish? Something like that. If I’m right, lucky me.