One Fine Day Under a Bridge


There’s a town in Washington … as Kurt said, it’s
the pacific north-worst. His home. Aberdeeeeeen!

That’s a hit song by a hit band, Cage the El-
-ephant … I think it’s on their second record.

Olyphant, Tiny Tim. He played Hitman and
Danny something-or-other … he dated Pam

once, I think, then never called her again. Oops.
Lucky Jim Halpert. He gave Pam a ring left

near the front tire of his red car. Wait, what?
Who was that? John Krasinski? Who? Huh? Mike Shuh-

sheff-skee? Crew-juh-woo-ski? Whose-a-whose-ee? Oh
my God, I’ve turned into Doctor Seuss. Someone,

please … if I start speaking in riddles, shoot me
with a .38 snubnose riff to the face.

“Hold on loosely, but don’t let go. If you cling
too tightly you’re gonna lose control.” Well … yeah.

That song’s in a movie I used to enjoy.
It’s called Without a Paddle. It’s quite funny.

I can’t watch it anymore. My brain won’t stay
focused on anything for more than a few

holy moments. Then I get lost in the muck
and pulled back into the murky water with

the dead, gray faces. Eyes black like great white sharks
fangs bared, two inches from your face. “Get back, witch.”

What’s that line in that movie about Princess
Brides and shit? Uh … “As you wish?” No, no. It’s

“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife!” Ever since Bob’s
concert back in 2011 she’s been

interested in finding out what makes his
grandfather clock wind. I mean his brain, you fiends.

Get your damnable minds out of the gutter.
By the way, Mr. Olyphant? Ever been

to Waxahachie? It’s in Texas. Johnny
Cash has probably been there. Why? Cause he’s been

everywhere, man. He’s been to Fargo, Minne-
“Ha ha,” goes the Juggalo. Spray some Faygo.

I don’t know why she does it, but whatever.
Who am I to tell anyone no, unless

of course, they rage at me. Then? “What do you
do with a drunken sailor early in the…”

Morning! Sun rise. Get up and drink coffee. Hey!
You! Feet on the floor, boy! Mach schnell! Rapido!

Bueno. Lo siento. Donde esta el
biblioteca? Que? Si? Hey amiga.

I massacre Espanol like Ricardo.
Thank goodness words (English or Spanish) don’t hurt,

but sticks and stones will still break bones, so enjoy
some Cocoa Crispies or Lucky Charms today

while you can still choose which cereal to eat
without a man with a shank standing near you.

Folsom Prison Blues. I need to listen more.
I’m used to muttering small talk at a wall.


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