Oh Jedi. On Sith. On Dasher and Dancer. Ad Infinitum. Etc.

Makashi Salute 2

How many of you think Count Dooku was lame?
Too many, probably, but just think about

how he handled Obi Wan and Anakin
Skywalker with ease. Darth Tyrannus was his

Sith name. I’m sure you know this. Darth translates to
Lord – as in nobility. Count Dooku was

born into aristocracy, which is why
he’s called Count Dooku and not Mister Dooku,

Doctor Dooku, Bill Dooku, or James Dooku.
That’s ridiculous, yes? His title is Count.

It doesn’t matter what his first name is. He’s
Dooku. Tyrannus. Count. Lord. “Feeling good on

a Wednesday … ya-ya-ya.” That’s just Randy Marsh
doing Randy Marsh things. “Gaw! Sharon! I am

Lorde … ya-ya-ya.” Wait, isn’t Lorde 17?
“And we could be royals…” From Kansas City?

Kansas City?! What in the wide-wide world of
sports is happening, Mr. Jones? The Giants

beat The Royals in the World Series, right? Yep.
White, orange and black … gray and electric blue

uniforms worn by 18 men on the field
and two aging skippers in the dugouts . Why

do the managers still wear team uniforms?
Can you imagine Joe Torre running the

bases? Or … and I’m sorry for putting this
image in your head — picture Don Zimmer

in a tight, white polyester Majestic
uniform with stretched pinstripes shagging fly balls.

Gross. Who is that 300 pound pitcher for
the St. Thomas Bobcats? Ben Ancheff – bless you.

That dude looks good out on the mound hurling strikes.
It ain’t the weight. It’s how you carry yourself.

Pete Rose had shifty eyes. So? He could play, right?
The called him Charlie Hustle for a reason.

Four thousand, one hundred, ninety-two. That was
Lou Gehrig’s record number of base hits ‘til

Pete bested him back in 1986.
At least, I think it was ’86. Who knows?

That kind of knowledge is useless and pointless,
so why can I remember all the starters

from the oh-two, Oh-Ess-You Buckeyes title
run? Or that they won 14 games and lost none?

Or that Chris Gamble is from Sunrise, Ef El?
Or was it Sunset? Sunrise? Sunset? Swiftly

go the years, eh? I do remember the three
dudes from the Centerville area, though. Yep.

That’s my neck of the woods, gentlemen. You have
A.J. Hawk – he’s Brady Quinn’s Brother-in-Law,

Nate Mangold – he fell all the way to New York
and Nuuuuge … ent, Mike, our own Ray Finkle, but great.

They were freshmen on that ’02 squad. Bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. One of their classmates, though … Mo.

AKA Maurice Clarrett. That’s Cluh-rhett, not
Clairette or Reecie – he was the running back

set Columbus on fire for one season.
One year, that’s all it lasted. Guess he was just

lucky … or something. He was what we needed
him to be, though. Without old Mo, Sean Taylor

ends the national title hopes we all dreamed.
By the way, nice throw, Krenzel. Nerd. Did you learn

that one in molecular genetics class?
How dare you learn, Craig? Number 16? Hey you!

Kid…why were you not perfect? I know you were
most likely balls-deep into quantum physics

or Moy-yay or whatever the hell pumps your…
Naaah. I’m just fooling. I’m a dork. I am just

a driver. Not a winner like you or Beck.
It was an honor watching you wear scarlet

and gray for my favorite sports team ever.
Whoah … O.S.U. Q.B.? How did I get here?

Where did this madness begin? How does it end?
I’m flying fast in a plane with no windows.

Like Vonnegut said, “So it goes.” And I go
hmmm. I seem to recall a passage in his

novel, Slaughterhouse-Five (V if you’re Roman)
about a city in ruin, blown to bits

by bombs dropped from a B52 Bomber.
I bet Slim Pickens was the pilot that flight.

Anyway, in the book the city rebuilds
and the fire goes back inside the rising

bombs. They climb up-up-up, nestling safely
into the ordinance racks in the belly

of the big, metal beast – now going backwards
away from the target – away from the war

and towards the shorelines of the USA … home.
The beauty of that scene is everyone lives.

That’s a hella-van ending, yeah? No more death,
no more chaos. Service to others, meaning

try to look people in the eye when you speak.
You might just notice you’re awake in a dream.

If you mess up, cut, and on to the next scene.
Why hold on to angst and negativity?

No one is against you. No enemies here.
Get past the past and live clearly in the now.

If I can do it, so can you. It’s insane
that we are … oh heavens! I swallowed a bug!


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