Megh said that one, Bob. Come get this girl. Help me.
I’m living with a woman who’s outta sight.
A ten. She’s funny. She’s smart. She’s beautiful.
She doesn’t want me, though, a fact that we’ve known
for oh-too-long now. It’s cool. I’m used to it.
Every one of you assholes who’s seen Meghan
probably said, “Dude … what’s she doing with that dork?
I’m…” And then you filled in the rest, didn’t you?
“And he’s… “Round and ‘round we go on the big wheel
to find out if the Price is Right, B. Barker.
Looking back, was any of that true? Any
of it? Of course not. Or maybe I’m lucky.
Maybe I have infinite wishes from one
Miss Helen Hill, but I don’t need to use them.
I can choose to pick my rock … and I have, man.
It’s the girl with the baby blues. It’s her. Sue.
As far as I’m concerned, she’s God. So are you.
So are the guys at work and the boys in blue.
So are the firemen and the wordsmiths and
ambulance drivers with hair in ponytails
and bartenders so beautiful you want to
ask if they want to watch the sun rise with you.
In case anyone was wondering, I would
never mess with an asshole. This dude digs pink
like the walls of the Iowa locker room.
It’s painted that way because it’s soothing, right?
Remember Dwight’s office on The Office? Black.
Black walls. A black desk. A black chair. Dwight was black.
Meaning he wasn’t Dwight. He was an asshole.
It’s not a race thing. An old friend from MS…
his name’s Tony … he played ball in The Delta
then he moved to Alabama and … well … uh.
Let’s just say things aren’t always as they seem
if you are blind and deaf inside someone’s dream.
He used to say, “If you’re cool, you’re cool and if
you’re an asshole, you’re an asshole.” Man … how true.
It’s all good, though. Karma can be black, but then
it can offer to buy you shoes. Or a house.
All the things pro ball players take for granted.
The trick is saying no. Then it shines like gold.
The visitors play poorly in stanzas one
and three, but the second quarter doesn’t count.
It’s that way with all things done for theater.
All the second quarter is in sports? Conflict.
It keeps you coming back for more. That’s the point.
Keep watching. This world is changing. You know it.
Something is a little off, right? Once again…
It ain’t me, guys. I can be a prick, of course.
But I choose not to be nine times out of ten.
You catch me on that 10th time, though? Oh my Lord…
“Next time you see me comin’ you’d better run.”
Just like you, right? And him? And her? And them? Stop!
There it is again. Who is Them? Who are you?
And how did you know I was thinking that? Well…
Watch this Mr. Cash. All of you people in…
Atlanta, L.A., Miami, N.Y., Chi
Towns in the heartlands of places like Kansas.
Winfield and Wellington. Old Horner’s Corners.
I once knew a girl who lived there named C.C.
I might as well have been wearing a red suit
with enormous horns coming out of my skull,
standing there with a pitchfork going … “Who? Me?”
I’m just true to my blue: C.C. “That’s creepy!”
they shout as loud as they can. “What’s with that dude?”
To those people, this line is for you. Just you.
“I dunno. You tell me. Why’s she so special?”
If I were to stand up and explain how she
runs around my head in powder blue Nikes,
swinging wildly at softballs and golfballs,
riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit,
all while carrying not 1, 2, or 3 books
but four, to be read when the need arises…
what would you say? You’d roll your eyes, wouldn’t you?
Why? No one’s ever felt that way about you.
Guess what? You are just jealous. Sit down, asshole.
When you have something to say I will listen.
Until then go back inside your brain prison
and mutter small talk at the wall while I smirk.
You think that’s arrogance? Ha! Look at her face.
Look at how her diamonds twinkle like Venus
when I showed back up with my silly verses.
That’s love, you dead people. And that’s what God is.
True love. Two as one. Wesley and Buttercup.
It’s right in front of us. You keep taking it
away with your gossip rumors and hearsay.
She’s the one with a choice here. I respect her.
If she tells me to go ‘way, that’s what I’ll do.
Speaking of which, that reminds me. Hey you … Sue.
What day is today? Ah yes … it’s May 18.
My final words in 2015 AD,
at least to you. I made a vow I won’t break.
If you want me out of your life … click remove.
Or … I’ll just go ahead and do it for you.
Either way, when the clock strikes midnight tonight,
at least I’ll know where I stand in your life, right?
And really, that’s all I ever wanted from you.
Regardless of how this ends, I wish you well.
I’m really glad we were friends, so long ago.
Thanks, you. You helped me more than you’ll ever know.
So … what’s it gonna be then, eh? Stay or go?