Hey Tom Hanks … Gimme Five.


Ever dance with the Devil in the pale moon-
light? I ask that of all my friends. That and this:

Who’s your favorite actor in Hollywood? Stop.
It’s Tom Hanks, right? He seems to be everyone’s

answer when I ask that question. Tom Hanks is
my favorite actor too. Man, have you seen

Dragnet? Tom references Bobby D. and stops
Dan Ackroyd in his tracks. They had to cut that

scene and do take two. Old Elwood once ran a
race in a dress and a boa with Eric

Idle on an episode of S.N.L..
They ran a quarter-mile. Drag Race. Get it?

That was Saturday Night Live, of course. “Live! From
New York! It’s Saturday Night!” Remember how

they used to improvise? Go with the flow. Now?
Cue-cards, please. I need my lines. Must read. Focus.

What? That ain’t no Hocus Pocus! There’s zero
magic there. On the very first episode

the entire cast dressed like stoned bumblebees.
What’s that part about Wu Tang killer bees? They

on a swarm? Right. Must be hurricane season
because the gray skies just unloaded on me

shots from both barrels, like that old Tim Allen
bit about walking around his house like Wy-

-yat Earp with his cordless yellow drills. “Here comes
the sun! do-do-do-do.” More Eric Idle!

More cowbell! Please! Hey Will Ferrell, you were great
as Gene, exploring the studio space with

gusto and a sweater two sizes too small.
When people hear “Don’t fear the reaper,” they all

think of you now, banging the hell out of that
cowbell, running into the drums … being a

nuisance. A pain in the ass. A fly in the
ointment. A clumsy fool. A holy goof. Now?

You play baseball for every team and piss
off John Madden. “Boom! Whap! Tough actin’ Tinac-

tin,” used when your feet are on fire and need
to cool off. Spray on the white powder, Madden.

The old coach for the Raiders was just upset
things are changing. This is no longer the world

he knew back in the 50s, 60s, and … well
I think you get the idea, yeah? He’s getting

older and he doesn’t like it. So? That hap-
-pens to all of us. Back to Pap Streibeck.

(That was Tom Hanks’ character in Dragnet.)
He went to a P.A.G.A.N. rally dressed in goat-

leggings and pantyhose, filled his pockets
with all sorts of medicines and pills he found,

then walked into his Captain’s office and did
this silly-ass goat dance. You have to see it.

Words don’t do it justice, but I’m telling you,
It’s the funniest thing I have ever seen.

He’s funny, no matter what he does, right? Well…
Philadelphia wasn’t too funny. But…

I never watched that movie, to be honest.
I found it shallow and pedantic. Snickers

bars are delicious, aren’t they? You can find
them on shelves of movie theaters collect-

ing dust, because who wants to pay out
one hundred billion dollars to see that shit?

Not me. Not I. Not Chicken Little. Oh no.
We’ve been over what I want. Yer Blues is my

favorite Beatles song … not the “I’m lonely”
part. Nope. I live with my best friend. Megh. She’s cool.

We’re like roommates at this point. We’re friends. She is
talented, smart, funny and she sings like an

Angel. Or maybe an Arch-Angel. Maybe
Gabriel or Michael or Raphael or

Sariel. Wait … who? Know your lore! Sariel!
He’s sometimes identified with Metatron.

In Enoch One, he is one of the Seven
holy archangels who’s “of eternity

and trembling” … like the Captain’s hands in Saving
Private Ryan. I saw that movie with Lau-

-ren Martin in theaters when we were young.
She hads kids and a husband. We’re still friends. In

fact, she made me a chainmail guitar pick
back when I didn’t even play guitar. Her

brother, Brian? Great dude. Her husband, Chad? Same…
keeps two or three guitars in every room

of their house. They are wonderful people and
I care for them a great deal. They live in Thule.

It’s up the street from Bedford Falls, New York. Well
the name of it now is Pottersville. You know?

Anyway, Tom Hanks is the greatest. I care
for my friends and family and I would like

that girl from Kansas … C.C. … to know I am
still here. Still alive and kickin. It’s all right.

Ma? I’m only sighing, but sometimes even
The President of the United States must

have to stand naked.  No, Mr. Barack … I
do not want to see your BBC report.

Or should that be CIA? Or FBI?
Or is it B.B. King? OMG! BB!

I still can’t believe he passed away, but he
left behind Lucille and a few blue chords so

anyone with the inclination to play
can choose to do so if they wish. Freedom, sir.

You hold it in your very hands. Get busy.
Show us what that means, please, Mr. President

and please know I wish for you only the best.
Yours most sincerely and respectfully … Me.


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