When I think of my favorite football team
I think of Chris Collinsworth – number 80
in your five dollar program … number one
my mother’s heart. She called him her “Sweet Baboo,”
like Sally Brown, who had a crush on Linus.
It must have been the security blanket
he carried with him at all times like a kid.
Why? Charlie Brown’s little sis wanted to be
someone’s mother. But Linus? Don’t be fooled. He
was a real Slim Whitman. He’s the one knocked up
and down on the little rock wall they’d lean on
as he passed on sage-like advice to the pro –
tagonist of the comic strip called Peanuts.
“Peanuts?!”Why yes… In fact I have one right here.
It’s bulky, but I consider it carry-
on luggage – Eddie Murphy once said folks keep
baggage for life like people with STDs.
Or maybe I have that reversed. Inside out.
Who knows? You can’t ask Murphy shit anymore.
She’s dead and gone – move on. Wait – she? Is that like
Bill Parcels calling Terry Glenn a woman?
What? No. I mean “Murphy”, the little corgi –
dawg my mother and father recently lost.
Little bitch wiggled like a worm if you tried
to pet her. You almost had to hold her down
Halt! Are you bothered by the word bitch up there
in your ivory tower? Hmm. I’m talking
about a female canine – they’re called bitches.
I didn’t invent the word, I just use it.
If you choose to take it offensively … uh …
honestly, no disrespect intended, but
that is your problem. It’s your prerogative.
You choose how words affect and impact your brain.
All I do is say exactly what I mean.
Please know this: I know what’s going on in this scene,
Like the one before and the one before that.
So?? I am not smarter than any of you.
I can barely change the oil in my car.
I can’t build a house or a dam. I can’t paint
a self-portrait or start underground fight clubs.
Hey…you: why do you think the first two rules were:
You do not talk about Fight Club? It’s bullshit.
That’s exactly what Tyler Durden wanted.
It’s called reverse psychology. It’s a ruse.
A cunning attempt to trick you. La renard
– that means fox in French… sort of. I don’t really
know. That’s what Wayne’s pal Garth Algar once told me
before he pushed back his high chair and danced to
Hendrix. Foxy Lady? That was Bob Dylan’s
grandma. She was born in Odessa. Duluth
is an old port town on Lake Superior.
Imagine trying to limp up those hills with
a walking stick and Polio. Holy shit!
Empathy? I think Courtney Love destroyed that
word when she knowingly read Kurt’s suicide
letter, live to the world … just like she wanted.
Speaking of suicides, I adored that drink.
It’s a combination of Coke, Pepsi, Sprite,
root beer, orange slice and Dr. Pepper.
“I’m a pepper – you’re a pepper. Wouldn’t you like
to be a pepper too?” Remember that one?
Of course you do. It’s like Demolition Man:
one day the radio will just play jingles.
“I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener?”
Do I need to quote It Ain’t Me, Babe again?
Record companies are killing music, right?
We all see it. It’s a fact we all seem to
get, but no one says anything about it.
Should a label sue Katy Perry because
she used the same 1-2-3 beat in E.T.
as Queen used in We Will Rock You? That’s silly.
How many songs have that exact beat? Hundreds?
It’s all been said and done anyway, right? Yes.
Katy Perry … you’re pretty. Call me. But know,
if my blue-eyed queen from Carolina calls
I’ll be recreating Russell Brand with you.
How many roads must a man walk down? Many.
Too many? Sometimes, but all roads lead to Rome
the way all rivers flow into the one source.
Question: why does the sea never overflow?
Two words, folks: Arc and Covenant. Look them up.
Also, why is the ocean salty? Fish farts?
It’s fish farts, isn’t it? Someone ask Kanye.
Hey … Kanye … we’re still waiting for an answer
about whether or not you enjoy fish sticks.
I prefer cracker jacks, myself … and saltines…
but every so often I eat collard greens
and fried chicken. Because I enjoy the way
it tastes. Know what I mean, Mr. West? Hey Bob?
The proverbial ball is in your court. Should
Meghan write a poem about how small you
seem when standing next to her? She’s 5’9,” Bob.
Relax, my tiny friend. I am just kidding.
Please do not misinterpret my meaning, K?
You know I respect you for all that you do.
Don’t take these words the wrong way. They’re just words, yeah?
Aerosmith … your cover of Come Together?
What a bloody shambles that is. Just ask Spike.
He loves scarlet and Ohio State. Cue bees.
Johnny Utah and Shane Footsteps Falco. Whoah.
That’s just reality mixed with Notting Hill.
Anyway, if you play a song, make it yours
like Primus. The Devil Went Down to Georgia?
Of course he did … been there for years. Did you know
Charlie Daniels never played at Augusta?
But wait … wasn’t he one of the good old boys?