Tonight I was watching Bill and Ted play cards
with Billy the Kid and some extras. “Are you
cheatin’ us, Kid?” one of the nameless actors
asks. Billy looks around nervously. “Cheatin’?”
he states, then he gulps and asks, “Me?” What happens
next? Can you see the scene in your mind? He stands
up and flips over the table. The whole bar
erupts in chaos and disorder. In one
corner, Seth MacFarland and the medic from
Saving Private Ryan pretend to fight. Man…
what’s that guy’s name? He played Memphis’ brother
in the newest Gone in Sixty Seconds. Kip
Raines was that character’s name. Damn it, who’s the
actor? I can recite his entire speech
from the movie about saving Matt Damon.
You know, the part where he’s in that French church
talking about his mother back home and how
he would pretend to be asleep when she got
off work. “I don’t know why I did that,” he says.
I don’t know why I can’t remember his name
and it’s frustrating. He was in Boiler Room,
Friends and a Linkliter flick: Suburbia.
Pretty sure he gets naked in that one … aw.
So … in a nutshell, I’ve seen this dude’s dick
and I can’t remember his name. Wow. I’m an
ignorant slut. You know who’s not? Jane Curtain.
Ask any of her cast members … she was a
saint. Mmm hmm. Hey Ms. Curtain, if you a
few years younger we’d test that theory. You were
the best of the three-broad-brood back then, and ma’am?
I say broad with the utmost respect. Please don’t
set your bra on fire and throw it at me.
I’m quite capable of lighting my own match
to ignite the puddle of gas I’m sitting
in. Let go of your rage and know what I mean
is you were the classiest of the whole group.
Gilda was funnier, sure, but without you
setting her up … who knows, eh? You even let
her call you a bitch on national T.V.
and this was in the mid-‘70s. I mean,
how did you get away with that one? Did you
convince the censors she was using the word
as something other than what they heard when they
heard it? Bravo, ladies. Also, I loved the
song you sang about Chevy and his woman
on the second season. The one where Billy
Murray picked up the ball and took off like a
rocketship to Mars. I’d have loved to have seen
him punch Mr. Chase in the face. Don’t get me
wrong, Fletch is in my top five movies ever,
but the actor playing the role? You can tell
he thinks he’s special. Or at least, he did back
then. Now? Who knows? What about you, Jane Curtain?
Speaking of Saturday Night Live, my all time
favorite episode occurred in nineteen
seventy-nine. Eric Idle hosted and
Andy Kaufman wrestled a woman. (He won.)
The musical guest that night? None other than
my uncaring, unknowing and unwilling
favorite artist in the world: Bob Dylan.
He went on stage that night looking like he’d just
stepped off a catamaran and into the
studio on the 30th floor of the
Rockefeller Center. Is that right? It’s
called 30 Rock for a reason, right? Right. So,
Bob’s standing there with his guitar, playing “You
Gotta Serve Somebody” and casting sidelong
glances at the lovely lady in red. They
smile at each other several times. “It’s
sweet,” Meghan said when we watched it on the night
before meeting Bob in Montgomery.
Yeah old man, don’t think I’ve forgotten you. You’re
out there somewhere, awash in the spacey sound
of six string axes, baby grand pianos,
and high-pitched “harmonee-kie,” as Johnny said
in his sold out show at Folsom Prison. Oh!
Mister Dylan! I wrote a song for you. Um…
It’s loosely based on Mr. Tambourine Man.
It goes like this. Like to hear it? Here it go.
“Hey, Mister Tangerine Man, hand some fruit to
me. I am hungry and you have some food, I
know you do. Hey, Mr. Tangerine Man, hand
some fruit to me. I’m a hungry-hungry hip-
-po and I’d liiiiie—yike some food.” Eight, nine, ten, aaaaand
that one goes to eleven. Wait, what? You’ve heard
that song before? Let me guess … Donovan? “They
call me Mellow Yellow” … A pollo. God’s son.
Gotta serve somebody? You said it, brother.
“Not I,” said the pig. “Not I,” said the lamb. Not…
I’ve gotten off track here. Apologies. Like
I was saying, Billy the Kid was playing
cards with … who was it? Kris Kristofferson? “Beans!”