Blinded By the Light?


“Wrapped up like a douche, another…” Wait. What’s that?
I can hear someone saying, “That’s not how it

goes, ass. Go ask Manfred Mann and his Earth Band!
They’ll tell you the line’s “Deuce,” like McCallister,

the Rebel running back drafted by the Saints.”
Sorry. My bad. Mea culpa. Please forgive

me for my transgressions and awful death stares.
You are not the problem, but it’s all right now.

When I was young I lost my father to fire
and in moved a man called Big Red. Heard of him?

He was a hobo rail rider … a boxcar
legend, known world-wide for his drunken stupors

and a temper as easily lost as Good
Will Hunting’s. To Robin Williams: R.I.P.

Old Bull Lee’s house was On the Road to the home
of Dean Moriarty, who … like me … was a

Holy Goof. The Idiot. The Imbecile.
By virtue of his enormous series of

sin. Our Bible talks about sin often, right?
Hang on, let me just open a random page…

How about that? Ecclesiastes 5:3:
“For a dream cometh through the multitude of

business and a fool’s voice is known by a
multitude of words.” … I talk too much. I know.

Brevity is not my strong suit. Forgive me.
Time for one more story from that old blue book.

It’s not word-for-word, mind you. It’s not rehearsed.
My short fingers are shaking as I type this.

I’m nervous. A nervous dude. Is that all right?
What can I say … my parents made me this way.

So here’s the tale of Davey and Goliath,
As told by me … an idiot … without sound.

“And David picked up his slingshot, looked at the
Philistine and said, “Go fuck your mother, you

Wait, no. No. That was Stephen Baldwin in The

Usual Suspects. Keyser Soze, know him?
Me neither. He’s a fictional character.


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